Douchebag-to-English interpretation

Perhaps (this) ex didn't do so well with his ad because normal women would read the ad with the following interpretation, from the Douchebag-to-English Dictionary:

"I'm having a super relaxed Saturday afternoon
I'm on the couch with a bag of Cheetos and my uncle's Playboy collection from 1978.

and would love to make this one of the best three day weekends ever!
Compared to all the other 3 day weekends in which I watch MacGyver reruns and drink myself into a stupor

I'm not experienced at all with these Craigslist ads,
I'm normally watching scrambled porn on my parents' TV set in the basement

in fact every time I've ever tired to post something here, the only responses I've received were from ads and spambots.
Probably from multiple orders of online Viagra and Penis Enlargers

I hope I can turn that around today!
Please don't make me go out in public and meet actual people. The fungal rash hasn't completely healed yet.

I'm 35 years old,
Really, 42, but who's counting?

in good shape
Can walk down a flight of stairs without getting winded, but up is a little more challenging

and looking for a good time.
I'm tired of paying for pros, and I can only afford $10 toothless crack-hos

I'm looking for a lovely lady that wants a little attention this evening.
Any woman will do. Heck, trannies would be ok, as long as you shave.

Lonely moms
My mom didn't breastfeed me, so I have mommy issues

and housewives,
No one uses the term "housewives" without getting punched in the mouth these days.

mature ladies,
The more desperate the cougar, the better

thick girls, are what I prefer ...
By "thick" I mean "in the head" because the last intelligent woman I dated ran away when she found out what a douchebag I really am.

I'm clean,
I shower weekly

I strictly believe in safe sex
masturbation is the safest sex of all

and I'm open to meeting somewhere for a drink and a little chit chat to break the ice.
You bring the wine coolers and PBR, and I'm yours

My place is quiet,
I actually live in my parents' basement. In a retirement community.

there's always a drink on hand
Endless supply of juice boxes

and I'm definitely 420 friendly if that's your thing.
You bring the weed, I've got the need.

There's even a pool here if you want to take a dip.
It's an inflatable kiddie pool I bought at Goodwill.

I like a woman who is aggressive
I'm a bottom

and isn't afraid to say what she wants.
Preferably in a language I don't speak or understand

Me? If I end the weekend and get a little oral action in the process,
I'm a taker, not a giver.

I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face.
I'm a fry cook at McDonald's. I could get promoted to counter if I smile more.

I'm looking for something this evening,
Before my parents discover that I'm living in their basement and kick me out.

so this gives us plenty of time to exchange pics & have a conversation -
I'll send you a picture of me from middle school, the last time I was considered remotely attractive. And that was by my shop teacher, Mr. O'Toole.

I'm on AIM and Yahoo instant messenger.
I haven't upgraded my computer since the '90's

Let's talk!"