Smart women avoid the dross (haiku)

Talk is cheap, posting

On Craigslist is free, but smart

women avoid the dross

Douchebag-to-English interpretation

Perhaps (this) ex didn't do so well with his ad because normal women would read the ad with the following interpretation, from the Douchebag-to-English Dictionary:

"I'm having a super relaxed Saturday afternoon
I'm on the couch with a bag of Cheetos and my uncle's Playboy collection from 1978.

and would love to make this one of the best three day weekends ever!
Compared to all the other 3 day weekends in which I watch MacGyver reruns and drink myself into a stupor

I'm not experienced at all with these Craigslist ads,
I'm normally watching scrambled porn on my parents' TV set in the basement

in fact every time I've ever tired to post something here, the only responses I've received were from ads and spambots.
Probably from multiple orders of online Viagra and Penis Enlargers

I hope I can turn that around today!
Please don't make me go out in public and meet actual people. The fungal rash hasn't completely healed yet.

I'm 35 years old,
Really, 42, but who's counting?

in good shape
Can walk down a flight of stairs without getting winded, but up is a little more challenging

and looking for a good time.
I'm tired of paying for pros, and I can only afford $10 toothless crack-hos

I'm looking for a lovely lady that wants a little attention this evening.
Any woman will do. Heck, trannies would be ok, as long as you shave.

Lonely moms
My mom didn't breastfeed me, so I have mommy issues

and housewives,
No one uses the term "housewives" without getting punched in the mouth these days.

mature ladies,
The more desperate the cougar, the better

thick girls, are what I prefer ...
By "thick" I mean "in the head" because the last intelligent woman I dated ran away when she found out what a douchebag I really am.

I'm clean,
I shower weekly

I strictly believe in safe sex
masturbation is the safest sex of all

and I'm open to meeting somewhere for a drink and a little chit chat to break the ice.
You bring the wine coolers and PBR, and I'm yours

My place is quiet,
I actually live in my parents' basement. In a retirement community.

there's always a drink on hand
Endless supply of juice boxes

and I'm definitely 420 friendly if that's your thing.
You bring the weed, I've got the need.

There's even a pool here if you want to take a dip.
It's an inflatable kiddie pool I bought at Goodwill.

I like a woman who is aggressive
I'm a bottom

and isn't afraid to say what she wants.
Preferably in a language I don't speak or understand

Me? If I end the weekend and get a little oral action in the process,
I'm a taker, not a giver.

I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face.
I'm a fry cook at McDonald's. I could get promoted to counter if I smile more.

I'm looking for something this evening,
Before my parents discover that I'm living in their basement and kick me out.

so this gives us plenty of time to exchange pics & have a conversation -
I'll send you a picture of me from middle school, the last time I was considered remotely attractive. And that was by my shop teacher, Mr. O'Toole.

I'm on AIM and Yahoo instant messenger.
I haven't upgraded my computer since the '90's

Let's talk!"

My girlfriend won't care (haiku)

Me?  Lying coward
Come service my drunk stoned dick
My girlfriend won't care

I'll love it if you gum me

I'm 35 years old, in good shape and looking for someone to suck my dick.  Assuming, of course, that you can find it.  Well, not really so good looking or in such good shape, but I'm fundamentally lazy, and am hoping to find someone to give me a blow job before my dad or my girlfriend's dad dies.

So, old, fat, lonely, unclean, is cool. Don't have teeth, not to fear.  With enough 420, I'll love it if you gum me, cuz, my dick is so little, it won't know the difference.

Drunken ladies of craigslist (haiku)

Drunken ladies of
Craigslist, lend me your ears please
I need sex today

I'm on the messenger OF PURPOSE

to 4- ohm to weekend are necessary some fireworks! 

I' m having super- relaxed after noon Saturday it would fall in love to make with this one the best three-day weekends always! I' m not tested on all with these declarations Craigslist, in actuality each time Of i' ve it always tired in order to hang out something here, only reactions Of i' that obtained ve was from the declarations and spambots. I hope that I it can turn that all around today!

I' m 35 years of old, in grow prettier to form and to search for good time. I' m searching for likable lady which wants smaller attention this evening. Lonely moms and housewife, mature ladies, [tolshchinye] girls, to what I prefer… I' m clean, I strictly believe in the safe sex and I'm opened to meet somewhere for the drink and small of [bormotushk] of [kroshky] in order to break glacial my place quietly, there' s always drink in the presence and I' m definitely 420 friendly if that' s your thing. There' s even [bassein] here if you want to accept sinking. I love woman which [agressivnyya] and isn' t that frightened in order to say what she wants. I? If I end weekend and am obtained smaller oral action in the process, then I' ll it goes to back work on Tuesday with the enormous smile on my side. I' m searching for something this evening; therefore this they give to us the set of time to exchange & pics; have a negotiation - I'm on the messenger OF PURPOSE and moment of the time Of yahoo. Let' conversation s!

Babelfish translation (English-Russian and then back)

Do not mind my bad grammar (haiku)

Swim in my pool and
Do not mind my bad grammar
Or punctuation

Submitted by Julie S.

I'll take arms against a sea of fidelity

To cheat, or not to cheat—is that even a question?

Sure, it’s nobler in the mind to suffer

A lonely Saturday without my girlfriend

But I’ll take arms against a sea of fidelity

And by posting a skeevy Craig’s List ad, end it. To masturbate--

No more--and by finding a pudgy old woman I’ll end

My heartache, and dream of the thousand blowjobs

That my small penis should be heir to. 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished. To cheat, to fuck!

To fuck, perchance, a thick lonely housewife

For in these dirty trysts, what diseases may come?

That I can pass along to my trusting girlfriend

But that doesn’t give me pause

While conscience does make cowards of most of us,

I’ve discovered I have no conscience

So, your place or mine?

Huge frown on my face (haiku)

Try to cheat but can't
Why won't anyone respond
Huge frown on my face

When you say "good shape" (haiku)

When you say "good shape"
Do you mean "Am thirty-five,
seeking girls through AIM?"

Pretend to be super nice and sweet

I'm having a super relaxed Saturday afternoon and would love to make this one of the best three day weekends ever! I'm not experienced at all with these Craigslist ads, in fact every time I've ever tired to post something here, the only responses I've received were from ads and spambots. I hope I can turn that around today!

I'm 35 years old, in good shape and looking for a good time. I'm looking for a lovely lady that wants a little attention this evening. Lonely moms and housewives, mature ladies, thick girls, are what I prefer ... I'm clean, I strictly believe in safe sex, but I find it annoying, so am open to a one-time-only-anything-goes weekend and I'd prefer a super-quick meeting somewhere for a drink and a little chit chat to break the ice. After that, if you want to help me explore my “dark side” we can take off immediately. My place is quiet, there's always a drink on hand and I'm definitely 420 friendly if that's your thing. There's even a pool here if you want to take a dip. I like a woman who is aggressive and isn't afraid to order me to do her bidding (the more disgusting and humiliating the better). Me? If I end the weekend with some souvenirs in the form of bruises, bites, hand-cuff marks and a swollen cock, I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face. I'm looking for something this evening, so this gives us plenty of time to exchange pics & have a conversation – it will make MY fantasy better if you pretend to be super nice and sweet when we chat and meet – and only turn Dominant and Aggressive on me after we are alone (help me out, here – please)!!!  - I'm on AIM and Yahoo instant messenger. Let's talk!

Submitted by Grace at Corset Connection dot com

Integrity lack (haiku)

Oral pleasure ad
Cue lies and consequences
Integrity lack

Who wants a Cornish Game Hen when you can have a Butterball

List under MFWWLSE (men looking for women with low self esteem)

Looking for Fireworks!

Longtime reader, but first-time poster to Casual Encounters seeks lovely lady(s) to “round out” my awesome but lonely three-day weekend.

Me? I’m 35 years old, lazy, deceitful, and looking for a good time. I’m clean-ish, I believe in safe-ish sex, and I’ll probably be willing to give you beer or let you light one up to put you in the mood. If you play your cards right. And if you bring the Mary Jane. Because I’m all out.

I live by myself (my mom lives upstairs—it’s not really a “basement”), and I/we have a pool, in case you’re into dipping skinny, as they say.

I’m into real ladies—the older, lonelier, and fleshier, the better. Who wants a Cornish Game Hen when you can have a Butterball?! And, if you’re aggressive and/or off your anti-depression medication, all the better.

If I end the weekend without a lawsuit or an STD, and with a little oral action in the process, I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face. I'm looking for something this evening, so this gives us plenty of time to exchange pics & have a conversation. I’m on AIM, Yahoo, MSN, Trillian, Pidgin, Google Buzz, Foursquare, Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, Farmville, Vampire Wars, Mafia Wars, Friendster, Flickr, and Compuserve.  Let's talk!

My hands are tired

Hi, it's looking like it's going to be one hell of a long, lonely 3-day weekend filled with nothing but my own miserable company. My goal is to get a blow job, because my hands are tired and my girlfriend was smart enough to dump my sorry, lying ass. I am targeting lonely moms, housewives, and fat chicks because I think you have no self-esteem and are desperate enough to do anything to please a man. I'm an unattractive, pudgy, self-centered, immature 35 yr old man who drinks too much. What more could a woman want? I'll meet you somewhere, pretend I'm interested in you, get you drunk or stoned, and tell you that I'll wear a condom so you'll come home with me.  I like aggressive women because I'm lazy, and I don't really care about you at all, I just want to get blown and fall asleep. You can let yourself out the door. Charming? That's me.

My zucchini needs some washin'

"I'm stoned out of my gourd and looking for some lovins. How about you, pumpkin? Or make that plumpkin, if you get my drift. There's a bar to warm things up and a pool if things get too hot. My zucchini needs some washin'!"

I do have a penis, though

I am an ass. That's probably not what you're looking for, but that's what you'll get.

I haven't had much luck yet, but I am trying to cheat on my girlfriend as soon as possible, and I hope you are in a similar situation. This makes me untrustworthy, unfeeling and unworthy. I do have a penis though, so give me a call.

I'll even let you rinse off in the pool

Intelligent, handsome, in shape 35 year old with no substance abuse indicators whatsoever seeks lovely lady for mutually satisfying wick-lighting this very evening - act now, thick girls, because this offer expires tonight (for no particular reason)!

I find beauty comes in many different packages, I strictly believe in safe sex, I am discreet, clean and laden with integrity, and I really only care about giving you pleasure - I'll even let you rinse off in the pool afterward and if you want to do it stoned, I accept your lovely self just the way you are.

I'm completely inexperienced at this (and you can't prove otherwise), so please help make this a positive experience so this can be the best three day weekend ever!  Say what you want - I'm your man.  IM me, I'll be standing by waiting to hear from you.  Let's talk!

Body image issues would be a bonus

Do you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain?  Well,  I do too --  especially with anyone who is willing to take care of ailing family members.   I am a neglected 35-year old who has plenty of time on my hands since choosing to disregard everyone's emotional and sexual needs.  That being said, I'm looking for selfless sexual gratification from any living being (I'm not picky, but having body image issues would be a bonus for me!)  If you have needy children, inattentive husbands, afflicted relatives, or funeral arrangements to make, come escape with me to my shallow pool.   

Fireworks on my peen (haiku)

Lovely ladies won't
Make fireworks on my peen?
Must go check my mail.

You buy the first round, Plumpy

4th weekend needs some fireworks!  Oh, wait, what holiday is this?  I get so confused.  Must be my weed habit, but I’ll get to that in a minute.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, this boner I’ve got with no resolution in sight.

I’ve got nothing to do and can’t seem to get off the couch (it's weed, not meth, dumbass), so it wouldn’t take much to make this one of the best three day weekends ever!  I'm not experienced at all with these Craigslist ads, because usually I just look at porn online and that seems to satisfy, but my home computer is too slow to actually view a video.

I'm 35 years old, which ought to be too old for this, but skanks never notice when we age. I'm looking for a lovely lady that wants a little attention this evening, and by “attention” I mean yelling that the door’s unlocked and you can come on in. Lonely moms and housewives, mature ladies, thick girls, are what I prefer because you all set the bar really really low, and besides, I’ve got a little mommy thing going on.  I'm clean (see?  I meet your standards, don’t I, lonely girl?), I’m breathing (through my mouth), and that ought to be enough.  I strictly believe in safe sex because I’m sleeping with god knows who, and I'm open to meeting somewhere for a drink (you buy the first round, plumpy) and a little chit chat to let me convince you that you can’t do better. My place is quiet, since no one likes me enough to come over.  There's always a drink in my hand and I'm usually stoned, but you bring the weed, I’m all out. Sorry, there's a pool of something on the floor that’s kind of gross.

I like a woman who will take all the responsibility for the relationship and won’t care if I’m a cheating fucker.  Me? If I make it through the weekend alive and get a little oral action in the process, I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face, knowing that I fucked over my girlfriend in the trashiest way imaginable. I'm looking for something this evening, but since I’m about to get kicked to the curb there’s actually no rush—I’ll be looking for the rest of my life, so this gives us plenty of time to exchange fake pics & have a conversation (and by “conversation” I mean yelling that the beer’s on the second shelf, are you blind or what?) - I'm on the couch. Let's talk!

Brevity

Crappy stoned liar seeks blow job from someone lonely and desperate.  Please?

I can be your Renegade

Renegade Wanting to Have a Love and Run

I wouldn't say I look like Lorenzo Lamas, exactly.  I'm 35 and in great shape and looking to slide into your life for a weekend, make you feel super special, and then I'm gone with a smile and no regrets.  

I prefer honest and real women who need extra attention because your life has become boring and routine.  I especially love mature, fluffy ladies.  I'm clean and practice safe sex.  Let's go meet somewhere for a drink to see if I can be your Renegade this weekend.  Alcohol and 420 friendly if that's your thing.  I don't judge.

IM me.  And let me put a smile on your face this weekend.

I'll be damned if I'm eating any more of this casserole

So, listen up. If you're reading this, you may have something to offer. Before I talk about that, I want to talk about how little of a fuck I give. First off, I don't give a fuck what you, or what your background/status is; I don't care if you're married, and I play a part in breaking up your family, I don't care if you're a lonely mom looking for companionship (which you sure as hell won't get from me), and I don't care if you're Mother-fucking Theresa. Why don't I care? Simple: because 'you' does not equal 'me'. In other words, it's all about me me me me me me me me me me me me me.

Next, I don't care about my family. See, my father recently died (which took WAY too long to happen in it's final throes by the way, Jesus), and let me tell you everyone was "oh, we need to do nice things for you (me), him and your mom". Case in point, this dumb bitch that I know (she THINKS she's my girlfriend, but whatever) had all of her sucker friends make casseroles, hot dishes, lasagna, etc. for my family, and she sat around to comfort the family, be all supportive, etc. Ugh, fucking annoying. Sure, I got the leftovers, but can we move on to something else? The attention he and my mom got was really starting to irritate me, and hopefully this post will set that all in balance again.

Now, to what this post is about. Simply put, I want you to come over, and give me some oral pleasure. I want you to to say how much you love Mr. Dingle while you're doing it, too. It's the 4th of July weekend, and I want to shoot some fireworks into your hair, and other places, and then I want you to get the fuck out of my house. That's it.

Oh, and if you want me to reply, tell me what you're going to do, how you're going to give Mr. Dingle some attention, and what food you're going to bring over because all this typing has made me hungry, and I'll be damned if I'm eating any more of this casserole.

Penis Impatient (haiku)

Penis impatient
Gambled her love on Craigslist
She is the winner

I'm not talking about that bullshit chit-chat

4th weekend needs some fireworks!

I'm super bored this Saturday afternoon, because I don’t have any friends, and would love to use you to make this one of the best three day weekends ever! I'm not successful at all with these Craigslist ads, in fact every time I've ever tired (whoops! That should be tried, because there’s nothing tired about this ad!) to post something here, the only responses I've received were from ads and spambots. I hope you’re desperate enough to turn that around today!

I'm 35 years old (going on 19 emotionally, but that’s totally awesome, right?), in good shape (round is a shape) and looking for a good time. I'm looking for a lovely lady (back off, bros) that wants a little attention this evening. Lonely moms and housewives, mature ladies, thick girls, are what I prefer ...because the lonely and the elderly are easy, ya know what I mean?  I'm clean, I strictly believe in safe sex and I'm open to meeting somewhere dark (soft lighting being so flattering for the aged) for a drink and a little chit chat to break the ice. My place is quiet, there's always a drink on hand (at least, there’s always one in my hand) and I'm definitely 420 friendly if that's your thing. There's even a pool here if you want to take a dip. I like a woman who is aggressive and isn't afraid to say what she wants, as long as what she wants isn’t honesty - my girlfriend is a pain in the ass about that. Me? If I end the weekend and get a little oral action (and I’m not talking about that bullshit chit-chat I charmed you with earlier) in the process, I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face. I'm looking for something this evening (just this evening and not tomorrow morning, when my girlfriend I are having breakfast - it would be awkward for you to join us), so this gives us plenty of time to exchange pics & have a conversation - I'm on AIM and Yahoo instant messenger. Let's talk, but fast, because you’ve got some gettin’ down to get to!

Submitted by Brenda K

I think Craigslist ate my postings, LOL

35 year old male seeks hot older woman with poor self esteem to help me get sexy while my girlfriend's selfishly taking time away from me to care for family members (hers and mine).  I sure hope this ad works, as I've tried unsuccessfully to get someone else to suck my dick previously - I think Craigslist ate my postings, LOL!

If you're a lovely older lady looking for some attention from a 35 year old who's clean, in shape, believes in safe sex and has a pool, hit me up - I'm a terrific guy who's looking for a good time.  You should be real and available tonight for FIREWORKS!  Also, did I mention I'm 35 and I have pot?  My AIM handle is DREAMGUY696969 - Let's talk!

Brains scare me

I'm having a super relaxed Saturday afternoon and would love to make this one of the best three day weekends ever! I'm not experienced at all with these Craigslist ads (at least that’s what my girlfriend thinks), in fact every time I've ever tired to post something here, the only responses I've received were from ads and spambots, which I know are really all I deserve, but oh well... I hope I can turn that around today!

I'm 35 years old, in good shape and looking for a good time (came up with that one by myself!!). I'm looking for a lovely lady that wants a little attention this evening (and with my equipment, I mean little). Lonely moms and housewives, mature ladies, thick girls, are what I prefer ( I mean thick in the head – brains scare me!!) ... I'm clean, I strictly believe in safe sex and I'm open to meeting somewhere for a drink and a little chit chat to break the ice (little again). My place is quiet, there's always a drink on hand and I'm definitely 420 friendly if that's your thing. There's even a pool here if you want to take a dip (is this starting to sound desperate?). I like a woman who is aggressive and isn't afraid to say what she wants, as long as it matches exactly what I want. Me? If I end the weekend and get a little oral action in the process ( little, heh heh), I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face – at least something’s huge!. I'm looking for something this evening, so this gives us plenty of time to exchange pics (and please send me your real picture – I won’t be) & have a conversation - I'm on AIM and Yahoo instant messenger. Let's talk a little (heh)!

Submitted by Chris K.