Smart women avoid the dross (haiku)

Talk is cheap, posting

On Craigslist is free, but smart

women avoid the dross

Douchebag-to-English interpretation

Perhaps (this) ex didn't do so well with his ad because normal women would read the ad with the following interpretation, from the Douchebag-to-English Dictionary:

"I'm having a super relaxed Saturday afternoon
I'm on the couch with a bag of Cheetos and my uncle's Playboy collection from 1978.

and would love to make this one of the best three day weekends ever!
Compared to all the other 3 day weekends in which I watch MacGyver reruns and drink myself into a stupor

I'm not experienced at all with these Craigslist ads,
I'm normally watching scrambled porn on my parents' TV set in the basement

in fact every time I've ever tired to post something here, the only responses I've received were from ads and spambots.
Probably from multiple orders of online Viagra and Penis Enlargers

I hope I can turn that around today!
Please don't make me go out in public and meet actual people. The fungal rash hasn't completely healed yet.

I'm 35 years old,
Really, 42, but who's counting?

in good shape
Can walk down a flight of stairs without getting winded, but up is a little more challenging

and looking for a good time.
I'm tired of paying for pros, and I can only afford $10 toothless crack-hos

I'm looking for a lovely lady that wants a little attention this evening.
Any woman will do. Heck, trannies would be ok, as long as you shave.

Lonely moms
My mom didn't breastfeed me, so I have mommy issues

and housewives,
No one uses the term "housewives" without getting punched in the mouth these days.

mature ladies,
The more desperate the cougar, the better

thick girls, are what I prefer ...
By "thick" I mean "in the head" because the last intelligent woman I dated ran away when she found out what a douchebag I really am.

I'm clean,
I shower weekly

I strictly believe in safe sex
masturbation is the safest sex of all

and I'm open to meeting somewhere for a drink and a little chit chat to break the ice.
You bring the wine coolers and PBR, and I'm yours

My place is quiet,
I actually live in my parents' basement. In a retirement community.

there's always a drink on hand
Endless supply of juice boxes

and I'm definitely 420 friendly if that's your thing.
You bring the weed, I've got the need.

There's even a pool here if you want to take a dip.
It's an inflatable kiddie pool I bought at Goodwill.

I like a woman who is aggressive
I'm a bottom

and isn't afraid to say what she wants.
Preferably in a language I don't speak or understand

Me? If I end the weekend and get a little oral action in the process,
I'm a taker, not a giver.

I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face.
I'm a fry cook at McDonald's. I could get promoted to counter if I smile more.

I'm looking for something this evening,
Before my parents discover that I'm living in their basement and kick me out.

so this gives us plenty of time to exchange pics & have a conversation -
I'll send you a picture of me from middle school, the last time I was considered remotely attractive. And that was by my shop teacher, Mr. O'Toole.

I'm on AIM and Yahoo instant messenger.
I haven't upgraded my computer since the '90's

Let's talk!"

My girlfriend won't care (haiku)

Me?  Lying coward
Come service my drunk stoned dick
My girlfriend won't care

I'll love it if you gum me

I'm 35 years old, in good shape and looking for someone to suck my dick.  Assuming, of course, that you can find it.  Well, not really so good looking or in such good shape, but I'm fundamentally lazy, and am hoping to find someone to give me a blow job before my dad or my girlfriend's dad dies.

So, old, fat, lonely, unclean, is cool. Don't have teeth, not to fear.  With enough 420, I'll love it if you gum me, cuz, my dick is so little, it won't know the difference.

Drunken ladies of craigslist (haiku)

Drunken ladies of
Craigslist, lend me your ears please
I need sex today

I'm on the messenger OF PURPOSE

to 4- ohm to weekend are necessary some fireworks! 

I' m having super- relaxed after noon Saturday it would fall in love to make with this one the best three-day weekends always! I' m not tested on all with these declarations Craigslist, in actuality each time Of i' ve it always tired in order to hang out something here, only reactions Of i' that obtained ve was from the declarations and spambots. I hope that I it can turn that all around today!

I' m 35 years of old, in grow prettier to form and to search for good time. I' m searching for likable lady which wants smaller attention this evening. Lonely moms and housewife, mature ladies, [tolshchinye] girls, to what I prefer… I' m clean, I strictly believe in the safe sex and I'm opened to meet somewhere for the drink and small of [bormotushk] of [kroshky] in order to break glacial my place quietly, there' s always drink in the presence and I' m definitely 420 friendly if that' s your thing. There' s even [bassein] here if you want to accept sinking. I love woman which [agressivnyya] and isn' t that frightened in order to say what she wants. I? If I end weekend and am obtained smaller oral action in the process, then I' ll it goes to back work on Tuesday with the enormous smile on my side. I' m searching for something this evening; therefore this they give to us the set of time to exchange & pics; have a negotiation - I'm on the messenger OF PURPOSE and moment of the time Of yahoo. Let' conversation s!

Babelfish translation (English-Russian and then back)

Do not mind my bad grammar (haiku)

Swim in my pool and
Do not mind my bad grammar
Or punctuation

Submitted by Julie S.