You buy the first round, Plumpy

4th weekend needs some fireworks!  Oh, wait, what holiday is this?  I get so confused.  Must be my weed habit, but I’ll get to that in a minute.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, this boner I’ve got with no resolution in sight.

I’ve got nothing to do and can’t seem to get off the couch (it's weed, not meth, dumbass), so it wouldn’t take much to make this one of the best three day weekends ever!  I'm not experienced at all with these Craigslist ads, because usually I just look at porn online and that seems to satisfy, but my home computer is too slow to actually view a video.

I'm 35 years old, which ought to be too old for this, but skanks never notice when we age. I'm looking for a lovely lady that wants a little attention this evening, and by “attention” I mean yelling that the door’s unlocked and you can come on in. Lonely moms and housewives, mature ladies, thick girls, are what I prefer because you all set the bar really really low, and besides, I’ve got a little mommy thing going on.  I'm clean (see?  I meet your standards, don’t I, lonely girl?), I’m breathing (through my mouth), and that ought to be enough.  I strictly believe in safe sex because I’m sleeping with god knows who, and I'm open to meeting somewhere for a drink (you buy the first round, plumpy) and a little chit chat to let me convince you that you can’t do better. My place is quiet, since no one likes me enough to come over.  There's always a drink in my hand and I'm usually stoned, but you bring the weed, I’m all out. Sorry, there's a pool of something on the floor that’s kind of gross.

I like a woman who will take all the responsibility for the relationship and won’t care if I’m a cheating fucker.  Me? If I make it through the weekend alive and get a little oral action in the process, I'll go back to work on Tuesday with a huge smile on my face, knowing that I fucked over my girlfriend in the trashiest way imaginable. I'm looking for something this evening, but since I’m about to get kicked to the curb there’s actually no rush—I’ll be looking for the rest of my life, so this gives us plenty of time to exchange fake pics & have a conversation (and by “conversation” I mean yelling that the beer’s on the second shelf, are you blind or what?) - I'm on the couch. Let's talk!